In search of the fearsome Sasquatch
Kevin Gavin
Special to The Times Review

G'day out there 'n' ta much for the welcome t' yer beautiful little town. Makes me ol' stompin' grounds at Bunyip Bay back in the Northern Territory in Australia seem right tiny. 'course we got a whole ocean for our back yard, 'cept for what Indonesia says is theirs.

Well I wanna tell ya, mates, it's a real pleasure to be here. Love the place. Lots of trees, mountains, an' all. First thing I says t' meself when I got here is "This is some prime s'quatch country here."

But as me ol' man used ta say, "Son, may be no ripple on the water but that don't mean the croc ain't there." This is proper s'quatch country al'right but blast me if I seen hide ner hair of any o' the brutes yet.

I've stomped all over the place, up 'n' down yer mountains, beat around ever' bush I kin find, 'n' waded through so many creeks, me feet 'r' cleaner than they've ever bin in a month o' Sunday baths. No sign o' tracks 'r any place that looks like a beddin' spot. Lots o' berry bushes I seen but nuthin' but bears feedin' on 'em.

By the by, about them bears o' yours, you Canadians may be polite folks yerselves, but yer bears could still use a few lessons in manners. Seems to me like there's enough berries on them there bushes to go 'round fer ever'one. But yer bears don't seem like they know th' first thing 'bout sharin'.

There's one brute up 'n' near whopped me across th' head when I helped meself to a few berries. Then he growls right in me face like it was all me own fault.

"Right," says I ta th' grouchy ol' swaggy. "If that's how y' feels abaout it, mate, y' kin keep yer ol' berries. Might be y' wanna think abaout a few breath mints 'r somethin' too, while yer at it."

Anyways, like I was tellin' ya, I beat abaout that there backcountry o' yours fer a week 'r two without a single sign o' s'quatch nowhere. Naow, crikey, but I been a s'quatch hunter fer longer than me Auntie Jean's got hair on 'er chin 'n' I knows ever'thin' there is to know abaout him 'n' his cousins like thet 'bominable Snowman feller kickin' 'round Tibet 'n' there'bouts.

So I'm thinkin' t' meself mebbe there ain't no s'quatches 'roun' here. Then I starts askin' 'roun' 'n' I learns somethin' I didn't know before. There's a breed o' s'quatch what seems t' be kind'a special t' Revelstoke. Wotcher call yer Kok'nee S'quatch.

As we say back 'ome, if yer gonna catch kangeroo, you got to 'op to it, don'chaknow. That means t' catch a s'quatch, y' gotta think like a s'quatch, go where they go, live like they live, eat what they eat, 'n' drink like they drink.

Naow 'cordin' to me information th' Kok'nee S'quatch lives raight here in town 'r close by. Lots of sightin's I hear 'round that there big ball park, 'specially in the summer 'round 'bout August as a matter of fact.

Seems like Kok'nee s'quatches is right friendly sorts too. Like ta get out and have a good time 'n' all that. So I figure this here Glacier Challenge o' yours is the best place t' be t' bag 'im. I'll just set meself up near the beer tent 'n' wait for 'im to show up and !bam! one Kok'nee s'quatch on the rocks.

I've got traps set all around the place too just in case. All of 'em baited with the thing he likes best — beer. O'course he's a bit pertickler 'bout his beer, he is. He might try the local, maybe that amber ale they make up on the hill. But for a sure thing, I make sartin ta use Kokanee beer to lure 'im in. Then I gets 'im on camera 'n' we got ourselves picture proof that s'quatches live aroun' Revelstoke. Then one o' them Hollywood North outfits buys the film rights 'n' we're all set.

Th' Adventures o' the Kok'nee S'quatch Hunter. Kinda got a nice ring, don't it?